Infertility Moment #1
Well…today was the day. I was wondering when it would all come to a head and I would start to lose some of the well maintained order and control I have so carefully tried to construct. Up to this point I have felt pretty much in control. I felt good about our other options. I felt good about losing weight. I had hope and would always remind myself of it when a nagging doubt would try to pop up. I know my God. He is good and he loves me and I have faith that his plans for me are perfect. This has not changed and I have not lost hope. But I did come loose for a moment.
It all began with a seemingly innocent phone call from my husband. A phone call announcing the fact that his employee is pregnant. GULP. I tried to maintain a cheery voice and nicely offer my congratulations. “Is she excited?” I asked. “Well…” he replied, “She said it wasn’t planned and no they aren’t very excited and she can’t think about it right now.” GULP. I felt the tears start to lodge in my throat and tried to avoid sniffling and forced my mind to answer. “Oh…okay..sniff sniff…well, GULP, okay…” And I LOST IT. I just started crying and blabbering like an idiot. I don’t know what happened. Perhaps all the pent up frustrations of trying so hard these past 7 months had come to a head. Maybe it was the gazillion negative pregnancy tests I’ve had to stare at over and over again. Maybe it was the ache so deep in the core of me for a baby that couldn’t relate to the flippant response to such a miracle as pregnancy. But I came undone, and it wasn’t pretty.
You see…years ago when I didn’t even think I wanted a baby I remember a lady in our church who was struggling with infertility. She was so discouraged, questioning God and falling deeper into depression. I couldn’t look at her, couldn’t even stand to talk to her, it was so uncomfortable to see her living out her misery. “I would never act like that”, I remember thinking to myself. I would never question God so deeply. I had absolutely no idea. Oh how naive and thoughtless I was.
So here I am. In the same place- I wonder what God thought as I judged her years ago. I wonder how he sees me now as I step into the same place. Broken, confused and just plain frustrated. I have not lost hope, I will not give up. I know that God’s plan for our family is good. But my tightly controlled emotions are starting to crumble. I’m unraveling…and I have a feeling that is exactly where God wants me.
Leave a Reply