Mumblings

I’m an extremely inconsistant blogger…I think it has to do with the fact that absolutely no one reads my blog. However, it is cathartic for me to write about my meager goings-on, so I still persist. Even though it has been months. I really do need to get better at this!

I think I also stray away from writing because there is truly nothing going on. Especially on the fertility front. I haven’t had a normal period for who knows who long (OK- I know…3 months, 12 days and 8 hours). But you get my gist. It is kind of hard to try to have a baby when you are not ovulating. It feels almost like banging your head against a wall every month. Especially when your husband refuses to pursue any sort of fertility treatments until you lose 30 lbs. UGH. I get it though….it could help. It will help…I mean it wouldn’t hurt. And Lord knows I am trying…I have been semi successful. But sometimes, it just seems pointless. Charting temps that go absolutely nowhere…taking test that continually read negative. I’m beginning to wonder if I am going to ever be capable of getting pregnant. I just want to know, ya know. Yes or no….then we can go from there.

I’ve always known that we are supposed to adopt. God spoke that message to my heart long long ago, when I was just a teenager, just diagnosed with PCOS. Now, 10+ years later I have not forgotten that promise. But I also thought I’d be pregnant by now. I thought after almost a year of trying we’d have some sort of success. If not pregnancy than at least ovulation- at least regular cycles. Nope…nothing. Which brings me to our decision to stop. Yes, stop trying that it…to have a baby. At least for now, until I can lose these stubborn 30 pounds. That is my husbands request. And after 10+ months of obsession and ridiculous requests(on my part) I feel like I owe him this. I really do owe both of us this. We’re going to step back and give ourselves the best natural chance at this we can. Healthy weights, healthy mindsets…one more go at it au natural.

Then…if that doesn’t do it. Well you know where that will put us. Fertility treatments, adoption…we’re open to all options. But for now I will focus on losing the weight and practicing patience. It this isn’t a big enough incentive to lose weight then nothing ever will be!

Infertility Moment #1

Well…today was the day. I was wondering when it would all come to a head and I would start to lose some of the well maintained order and control I have so carefully tried to construct. Up to this point I have felt pretty much in control. I felt good about our other options. I felt good about losing weight. I had hope and would always remind myself of it when a nagging doubt would try to pop up. I know my God. He is good and he loves me and I have faith that his plans for me are perfect. This has not changed and I have not lost hope. But I did come loose for a moment.

It all began with a seemingly innocent phone call from my husband. A phone call announcing the fact that his employee is pregnant. GULP. I tried to maintain a cheery voice and nicely offer my congratulations. “Is she excited?” I asked. “Well…” he replied, “She said it wasn’t planned and no they aren’t very excited and she can’t think about it right now.” GULP. I felt the tears start to lodge in my throat and tried to avoid sniffling and forced my mind to answer. “Oh…okay..sniff sniff…well, GULP, okay…” And I LOST IT. I just started crying and blabbering like an idiot. I don’t know what happened. Perhaps all the pent up frustrations of trying so hard these past 7 months had come to a head. Maybe it was the gazillion negative pregnancy tests I’ve had to stare at over and over again. Maybe it was the ache so deep in the core of me for a baby that couldn’t relate to the flippant response to such a miracle as pregnancy. But I came undone, and it wasn’t pretty.

You see…years ago when I didn’t even think I wanted a baby I remember a lady in our church who was struggling with infertility. She was so discouraged, questioning God and falling deeper into depression. I couldn’t look at her, couldn’t even stand to talk to her, it was so uncomfortable to see her living out her misery. “I would never act like that”, I remember thinking to myself. I would never question God so deeply. I had absolutely no idea. Oh how naive and thoughtless I was.

So here I am. In the same place- I wonder what God thought as I judged her years ago. I wonder how he sees me now as I step into the same place. Broken, confused and just plain frustrated. I have not lost hope, I will not give up. I know that God’s plan for our family is good. But my tightly controlled emotions are starting to crumble. I’m unraveling…and I have a feeling that is exactly where God wants me.

:Seven Months:

Well.  Here we are at the bench-mark I was hoping to never reach.  Seven months.  We’ve tried everything in our bag of tricks but it looks like we’re going to need a little more ammunition.  Its been seven months since that wonderful day when my husband looked in my eyes and said, “I think its time to have a baby”.  Wow- who would have thought we’d still be here.   I was hoping we wouldn’t be.

That being said- I am not down and out.  Although I am concerned- as most people my age who have been trying to get pregnant for 7 months have succeeded.  All around me women are getting pregnant and having babies.  Is there some sort of cruel universal joke that makes all women struggling with infertility be surrounded by the very object of their desires?  I swear everyone woman I know or have known is having children or trying to have children or just had a child or wants to have a child or knows someone who is with child.  Good Grief!

I remain hopeful.  For my hope is found in nothing less than Jesus Christ.  Nothing comforts me more than knowing that God is in the midst of my struggle and is fighting for me.  Praise the Lord!  I still have 30 pounds to lose.  Perhaps that will restart my ovulation.  Then who knows.  Perhaps it is on to fertility drugs or adoption or just waiting, patiently.  The thing is- seven months is not one year.  I still have five months.  Five months to keep going.  Hoping and praying for a positive result, for a miracle!  And if, for some reason, you see me here in five months, writing this same post for a longer bench-mark, well, we’ll just keep on going from there.  Here’s to hope.

Now we see…

I’m writing this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings about trying to get pregnant. I have PCOS and am just beginning the journey to motherhood. As I don’t ovulate on my own I can only imagine what might be down the road as I try to conceive. My first goal is weight loss. I have currently lost 30 pounds and have 30 more to go! At that time I will see a RE and determine if the weight loss has jump-started my ovulation. If not, we will proceed to fertility meds and so on. This is my online journal. I will share my struggles and hopes as I walk this road that so many others have also experienced. It is my heart’s cry as I long so much to be a mother. I will try to share a Christian perspective of hope as I face this diagnosis of PCOS. For God says that now we see as through a mirror darkly, but then we will see face to face. This is my journey through the “dark mirror” in hopes that His vision for my life will be seen in the end and that I will glorify Him in the refining process.